We went to our good friends’ cottage for Sunday/Monday. We took our 5th wheel and parked it in their drive way. I require an electrical plug in because of my CPAP machine.
Plugging in the 5th wheel into their outdoor plug required a bit of finagling. I’m not sure what wasn’t working but eventually whatever was wrong, got fixed.
Watching this play out, I began to feel all uncomfortable inside. I apologized for being “high maintenance.”
Shortly thereafter, as we’d arrived around lunchtime, we started talking about eating and I stated something to the effect of my body is on a bit of a schedule, eating wise. A lunch was quickly assembled for the adults in the group.
About this time, I was feeling quite anxious and nervous about these two events. Later in the afternoon I started to relax.
On the way home from the weekend, I started to wonder why I felt all these uncomfortable, anxious feelings.
I think I got it. The story I figure I ended up telling myself as a child, getting moved around from foster home to foster home every 6 months – 2 years or so, was “I was too much trouble.” So, somewhere along the way, I vowed not to be too much trouble. Not too much trouble looked like: not asking for anything, helping out as much as possible, being agreeable.
You see, as a child if I wasn’t too much trouble then:
I won’t be changing foster homes, someone will love me, keep me, like me.
Yesterday, I cried for that little girl.
As an adult, if I’m not too much trouble:
I’ll be a welcome guest, a good employee, a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good wife, someone will love me,keep me, accept me and like me.
[On the flip side, If I’m not too much trouble I’m also someone who can’t ask for what she needs and gets taken advantage of and even abused.]
It’s funny how these situations this weekend acted as a bit of a trigger.
I’ve done much better over the years at asking for what I need [my husband would say I have NO problem
asking stating very strongly to him what I need] but every so often. “don’t be too much trouble” rears its ugly head.